2005-07-08 - 1:35 a.m.
Not too long ago, Buddy was going through a rough spot. She likes this guy she met whilst in England - and by like, I mean love. The guy is hott, no joke. And I love listening to her tell me their antics and stories. I can tell she REALLY likes this guy.
But, like I mentioned, she was going through a rough spot. Her dream is to one day marry this guy and have a lot of cute babies. Seems a little funny, but I doubt I'm doing her feelings justice.
Anywho - She decided this dream was hopeless... bleak, I believe, was her word of choice. To quote her LJ "I've come to the conclusion I must give up on my silly little dream. I mean, it's probably for the best anyways. I have a habbit of doing this, quitting first so I don't get my feelings hurt. I don't really want to go thru the heartbreak and saddness, so I quit to save myself. I'm not really growing or learning by doing this, I just like taking the easy way out. Easy outs are just....so easy and looser-ish. Maybe I'll pick up my cause again soon, but rite now I wanna abandon the dream for a little while. Come back to it in a while 'cuz rite now it's lookin' pretty bleak."
I spoke with her that night, and I really thought I could offer her some advice to keep up the dream. Ya know, since it reminds me a lot of how I feel about John. Even after all these years. How he is still my dream guy, I want nothing more than to marry him... blah blah blah. You get the picture.
But, instead of helping her, I turned the "help" on its ear. I realized what I had to say was stupid because I have nothing. John isn't mine - probably will never be. I am blindly chasing this dream, and I'm heading nowhere. I have spent countless hours pouring my heart out to friends and telling them how much he means to me and how much I think I love him. For what? NOTHING.
I took a good long look at myself that night. I am setting myself up for a world of disappointment. I have spent almost 4 years convincing myself that SOMEDAY, John would be mine. HA! What a fucking joke.
I compare every guy I meet to him. That gets me NOWHERE. Because, well, no guy is John except John. So I turn down perfectly good (well, sometimes) guys because "something better will come along."
Well, it hasn't.
And I'll bet a lot of money that it won't be coming.
So, Buddy, if you read this... I was wrong to tell you not to give up on Hurley. I think I purely told you that because I didn't want to admit to myself that my dream guy is a far-fetched dream, too.
That is why, my friends, John will know how I've felt all these years by the end of summer. You can bet to read about it here.
Two things could come of this drastic decision:
1) The highly unlikely scenario: John reveals similar feelings for me and we begin to date, or
2) The more likely scenario: John kindly shoots me down and leaves me in ruins.
Isn't it ridiculous, people? 4 YEARS!!!! I am going to be a senior in college and I can't get him off my mind. And, granted, it won't be easy to stop having these feelings for him - but at least I'll know where I stand. From then, I'll pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and soul, cry to my good friends, and have a rebound guy.
I really feel this is a good decision on my part. Its something I've needed to actually do for YEARS - but never got the nerve (balls) to do it. I almost told him a few weeks ago when we hung out. But I chickened out. Now, I really don't care. There are bigger fish in the sea, and I'm young.
On a completely different note, work is kinda lame. I'm only doing computer training for now - so that sucks just looking at a computer screen for 4-5 hours a day. I have between 10 and 15 hours left - all product training. PUKE. But I'll get it done soon so I can actually start on the salesfloor and such.
I should really go to bed - have to *try* and go in at 10am tomorrow... I'm sure I'll make it by 11...
G'night all!
